A Plausible Scenerio [this could happen]

I'm going fucking bald. More hair escaped today, I know it. So I stand in front of this mirror, doing neck-yoga to find a penny-sized crater at the top of my head expecting to catch the next few in the act. And maybe for my waist to expand another inch or so.

Headboard abuse, that's what just what I'll say. Shifty, my crooked bottom tooth CHORTLES at me.

A knock at the door.

Adam? You in there?

Um. Yeah...

Everything ok?

Fine, yeah. Just. Give me a minute-

Hey, yeah, your fifteen's up, and you have to cover Aubrey's break-

Yeah, I KNOW-

You've been in there for over twenty minutes-

Yeah, I just. I'm Almost done..

A sequence of cleverly timed flushes. The white rush of the running faucet.

I open the door. My coworker Rich stands there, a Starbucks cup in his hand.

Wow. Must have been one epic shit.

Huh? Oh, yeah. Stomach's acting up. Probably the chili con carne from the cafe upstairs. All those beans-

'Its chicken NOODLE today..'

'Oh. Well..What..the FUCK was I eating then, HUH?'

My face contorts into a puzzled, energetic grin.

(JesusBalls, I'm a loser..)

We walk.

'Why not just use the bathroom upstairs?' He finally asks. 'It's quicker-'

'Yeah, well, faculty bathrooms cleaner..-' I say.

'It reeks of piss from the backed up urinal, and I’m PRETTY sure there's an actual turd hanging from the ceiling..-'

'..That's pretty much odorless now...'

'Huh?'

'Nothing, nothing. I just like my privacy, you know?'

'Yeah, I guess.'

We step on the elevator. Upper Level: General Reading. Magazines/periodicals. Cafe.

'You definitely don't want to risk the children's section smelling like a backed up septic tank either', he continues.

'Heh. Yeah..'

'Me, I'd just blame it on some kid. Throw one under the bus and the others jump all over him like spider-monkeys. Parents all rush to get the little pricks under control-BOOM, attentions off you.'

'I'll have to remember that', I say.

The elevator door opens. We hop off, and Aubrey is waiting there, holding papers of some kind in her hand.

'Oh, you found him! Awesome', she says, swerving past us.

'Well guys I'm going on break. Adam, could you handle this pull-list? Thanks!'

She pushes two hand carts and a stapled list loaded with selections from this year's best at me: Best gay erotica; Best gay sports erotica; Best gay military erotica; Some modern urban classics mixed in: Desperate Hoodwives; Thug Lovin; Flexin and Sexin.

She smiles at me and I barely notice the elevator door close. She is headed down while up here I'll be spending the next hour or more stacking twin towers of pulpy smut.

'Have fun man', Rich says walking off.

I see Gay-Porn Man is sitting in his designated spot, thoroughly enjoying a stack of titles on my list.

(Fuckme hate today...)